The Things We Left Unsaid
by perlumi
Summary: An old office, an unwanted meeting, and some memories that can't be left unsaid. Because as much as he would like it, Lithuania can't bring himself to forget.


So, to be honest, I wasn't sure I would have the guts to finish this story. This is my first time writing a complete fanfiction in English, and I fear that even if I did my best to correct my mistakes, there are still many which are hidden a little everywhere.

Anyway, I'm really glad to publish this story, and I hope you will like it ! I've always wanted to write on Russia and Lithuania, there are not enough works on these two ! This fic's got a bit of an angst vibe I think, so stay tuned ;) And please, if you enjoy it (or not) leave a review ! I would love to have a feedback, it would really encourage me to write more stories ! (and I you want to point out some of my mistakes, please feel free to do so, I really wish to improve my English.)

 _Passages in italics indicate flashbacks._ Enjoy ! ;D

* * *

The office is warm and quiet, its furniture a reminder of the most glorious days of the communist era. Everything looks old and used, from the rug to the small chandelier hanging from the ceiling. It would give the room a certain charm, Lithuania guesses, if he didn't know better. Because behind the false luxury of the furniture hide a thousand lies, and as many blood baths.

Lithuania closes his eyes, not wanting to deal anymore with the so familiar sight of this room. It was always used for business, he remembers. A cramped but cosy room -an old favorite of Russia. Lithuania knows it is no coincidence that Russia chose this room for their meeting, and it just angers him more. Because Russia has no right to do that. Everything they shared, whatever it was _-it's over_.

 _It's been over for years_ , Lithuania reminds himself, fists clutched against the soft fabric of his suit. But behind his closed eyelids he surrenders to the memories. Because this cramped office, warm and quiet, was his own years before.

* * *

 _The sun hangs low in the sky, and the windows are covered with mist. Lithuania doesn't know why Russia wants him here. The office has been cleaned by Latvia some days ago, and there's no meeting planned. He sighs and walks toward the window, watching as the sun slowly disappears behind the trees. The room is strangely warm for a February day, especially given it's not used everyday -as much as Russia would probably like it._

 _Of all the houses Russia has ever owned as a nation, he has told Lithuania that this one was his favorite. Lithuania can see why; it's truly a lovely place, with a big field and too many rooms to keep clean. But his green eyes remain fixed in the distance, where his own country is. When his people had been forced to surrender to the Russian forces, Lithuania had never imagined it would go like this. He knew of course that a conquered nation has to live within the winner's house, but he hadn't imagined it would be so hard to live far from his capital, far from his people._

 _It won't remain like this forever though, Lithuania knows it. He knows that his people, even wounded, will keep fighting for their freedom. But his heart still hurts when he thinks of his beautiful country. His body may be forced to stay there, with Russia, but his mind and heart belong to his country's lakes and woods. Somehow, at this thought, he feels himself beginning to smile. Outside, the view is stunning, all snow and twilight._

 _"Beautiful, isn't it ?"_

 _Lithuania turns around abruptly to find Russia smiling, his hands behind his back, apparently relaxed. His cheeks are a little flushed, as always when he is excited, and his eyes go playfully from Lithuania's surprised face to the window. "Yes. It's stunning." Lithuania answers, his eyes finally meeting Russia's. He doesn't know what to expect. Russia seems in a cheerful mood, so maybe what he wanted them to talk about is no serious matter._

 _"I like this room best." Russia says as he walks closer to Lithuania. "But I think you already know it." He whispers those words against Lithuania's ear, soon placing a hand over the smaller nation's hip. It is awfully intimate, and even if Lithuania knows he should be used to it by now, he still shudders. His own hand comes to cover Russia's own in a nervous gesture. He likes the contact more than he wants to admit. He just doesn't know if it means the same to Russia than it means to him. So he moves away from Russia's touch, his lips slightly parted for...-for what exactly ? He doesn't know himself._

 _"Is there something you want us to discuss ?" He says instead. The question is vague enough for Russia to feel the need to answer it directly. "I know you like this room too. I'm thinking of giving it to you."_

 _Lithuania swallows, eyes widening. "Excuse me ?"_

 _Russia's smile grows wider as he repeats. "This office is yours to use, Litva."_

 _He doesn't flinch when he hears his name in Russian. His mind can only try to process the news, over and over. "Are you seriou- I mean, are you sure about it ? I know what this room means to you, you like to take your tea there, and the view is one of the best there i-_

 _-I know what I'm offering Litva ! So please accept."_

 _Lithuania can only nod. Because Russia's nose crinkles in the most adorable way possible when he smiles, his eyes avoiding Lithuania's, and he is so obviously both embarassed and pleased that Lithuania can't help but smile too. And when Russia hugs him, burying his head against his neck, he doesn't try to step back. On the contrary, he lets himself enjoy the embrace, and who cares if Russia is just playing with him -because this feels so good._

* * *

Lithuania hears footsteps and raises from the sofa as Russia enters the office. He hasn't changed much since the last time he saw him, at a meeting in America. Some more dark circles under his eyes proves Lithuania that he doesn't sleep enough, and his smile seems strangely hollow.

"I'm glad you came."

There is a small glitter in his violet eyes. He walks toward Lithuania, his arms opening to welcome him. Lithuania's eyes narrow and his face hardens. He offers his hand instead. He won't fall back in Russia's little games. He can see the taller nation is disappointed, but Russia shakes his hand nonetheless, lips pressed in a single line.

"Do you want something to drink ?" He asks, glancing at the tea set in a corner of the room.

"No. Let's get straight to business, shall we ? I don't have all day." It is a lie, and they both know it. But Russia just nods, and goes fetch himself a cup of tea. He sits on the sofa, closer to Lithuania than he needs to. The tea smells good, and Lithuania wonders if he should take one too, after all. But no. Even this would be too much. He doesn't want Russia to think he can soften enough to be fooled again.

* * *

 _Lithuania is sipping his tea, frowning at the paperwork. The office is as warm as ever, but he feels frozen. All those files he reads about the Soviet situation. It makes him sick. The reports about the revolts, the arrests, everything. He can't do anything about it, he knows, but it doesn't help making him feel any better, quite the contrary. He is the country of Lithuania, and he can't do anything to help his people. He takes a sip of tea and pulls a face. It's nearly cold now._

 _Why can't he do something, he wonders. They are nations themselves personnified, immortal beings with a will and memories of their own. But they can't do anything else than submit to History, and wait for their sentence. Too many years have passed since his people had to surrender to Russia, he knows it. The end will come, but will it come soon enough ? Lithuania curses under his breath, knowing it won't do him any good to think about the desastrous consequences of World War II and Poland's fate. But he misses his friend, and he hasn't heard of him in months. How is the reconstruction of his country doing ? The files he has don't mention it, of course. He is alone._

 _A soft knock at the door stops his thoughts, and he hears himself welcoming Russia inside. Russia is smiling in a twisted way, and he contourns the desk to face directly Lithuania._

 _"What's going on Russia ?"_

 _Russia doesn't look at him, awkwardly biting his lips. "Can I have a cup of tea ?"_

 _Lithuania blinks, surprised. Has Russia really come here to ask for a cup of tea ? He looks at the teapot. It must be cold now. "Wait a bit, please. I'll go reheat it for you-_

 _-No! It's fine."_

 _Lithuania frowns, but complies anyway. He serves Russia a cup of tea, and hands it to him. Russia finally meets his eyes as he takes the cup, and his smile becomes genuine. "Thank you."_

 _Lithuania sighs. "At least let me reheat it. I'm sure it's gone cold." But Russia shakes his head, eyes bright and caring._

 _"No. It's warm."_

 _They stay there awkwardly, Russia sipping his cold tea and Lithuania watching him with attention. The room is warm and welcoming, and Lithuania feels the cold inside of him fading. Maybe Russia is like him after all. Seeking human warmth more than a hot drink._

* * *

Lithuania opens the files he has brought with him. He wants Russia to sign some of them, but mostly those papers are just for show -nations are not the ones who decide of their country's future. He looks for a pen, and doesn't find any. Russia doesn't notice, still looking through the documents. Lithuania gets up and goes to the old desk -his desk. He runs his hand over the used wood, smiling slightly as he remembers the days he spent hunched over this desk doing paperwork. There isn't any dust on it; Russia must take care of it. He finds some pens lying there, and takes hold of one. When he turns back, he finds that Russia is not looking anymore at the papers, but is instead watching him, a shy smile on his face.

Lithuania hands the pen to Russia and looks away. He can't let Russia think that he misses his life there -even if it is only a little. He can't. And it's not like he misses anything about his life with Russia, he tries to persuade himself. The winters were harsh, the amount of housework he had to do insane, Belarus stalked him on occasions to ensure he wasn't doing anything filthy with Russia, Estonia messed up things all the time and Latvia couldn't stay politically correct.

(And the snow-covered fields were stunning, his rare days off were never spent alone, Belarus sometimes had the most lovely smile when she thought no one was looking, Estonia found the strenght to joke anytime and was a pretty decent guy after all, and Latvia was like a nice little brother who always ended up in trouble.)

"Lithuania, are you alright ?"

Russia is looking at him with a concerned face, and Lithuania realizes his eyes are almost tearing up. Almost.

"Don't mind me, I'm just tired." He sighs while shaking his head. "I'm alright." He adds after seeing that Russia hasn't stopped watching him. He doesn't need Russia to be concerned for him right now.

Lithuania sighs again and walks away, going from the desk to the window, feigning to stretch his legs. How can he fool Russia, when he can't even fool himself ?

 _I miss this place_ , he admits to himself. _I miss my life here_. It's only a little, but it's there, deep down in his heart. The feeling that here, in this office, with Russia near him, he is truly at home.

* * *

 _"Don't -ah... don't do this-"_

 _"But you seem to like it." Comes the quick reply. Lithuania rolls his eyes._

 _"Maybe, but it's the middle of the afternoon, I have work to do, and the door isn't locked -someone could walk in at any moment Russia!"_

 _"Work can wait." Russia decides, resuming kissing Lithuania's neck while his hands touch him all over his body._

 _Lithuania is sitting on his desk, his tie loosened and his shirt a mess, and he just can't bring himself to stop Russia. He can see his jacket lying gracelessly on the floor, and wonders if his other clothes are going to suffer the same treatment. And it isn't fair, because Russia is still fully clothed against him, and Lithuania can't touch him the way he wants to._

 _He pushes his lover away, watching him frowning in frustration, before gripping him by the collar and kissing him. "At least go close the door, please." He wishpers against Russia's ear. Russia stiffens and obey without complaining._

* * *

Lithuania looks outside the window. The view hasn't really changed. But it feels so odd to stand here after all these years. He feels his heart tighten, and he can't do anything about it. He can pretend he doesn't care, but the truth is that he has missed this office, this particular window. He doesn't miss everything he has lived in this house, of course not, but some things are... irreplaceable. Especially the moments he spent with Russia because -there's no denying it- he has loved him. Their relationship has been so damn mad, a twisted and wicked love that couldn't have ended up well.

But Russia has finished reading the papers, and just sit there, glancing at Lithuania from time to time. He's hopeful, Lithuania realizes. (And his violet eyes are beautiful in the sunlight, and everything's getting very dangerous very fast. He really needs to speak, before drowning in the contemplation of the man before him.)

"Are you finished ?" Lithuania enquires.

"Yes." Russia answers soflty. "Does this mean you'll leave ?" There's something in Russia's voice that makes Lithuania freeze. Something that sounds too much like a reproach. _Oh no. Don't even try_ , Lithuania thinks. _Don't even try manipulating me into staying there for longer than what I intented to._

But as he thinks this, he knows he has already lost. "Not now. I... I think I'll have a cup of tea in fact." He's so weak. But Russia's face lights up, and he seems so genuinely grateful that Lithuania doesn't regret his decision. Even if he knows it's a bad idea, because he shouldn't give Russia any hope.

("Russia is cruel", whisper the other nations when they think he can't hear them. But Lithuania suddenly realizes that he too must be cruel, because he has no right to let Russia hope.)

Lithuania serves himself a cup of tea, and sits on the sofa. They are too close, he knows, because he can feel Russia's warmth from where he sits, and their elbows are almost touching. Surprisingly enough, it is not as awkward as Lithuania pictured it. They don't talk, but they don't feel the need to. They welcome the silence, and Lithuania feels more than he sees Russia relaxing slowly. It reminds him of that one time where he had fallen asleep on Russia's shoulder. It had been strange... but not unpleasant.

They stay without moving for a while, when suddenly Russia rests his head on Lithuania's shoulder. His hair is grazing his cheek, and Lithuania holds his cup tightly, uneasy. He should go. He should tell Russia to stop this immediately. But he can't.

Because this gesture isn't just friendly or sweet. It is intimate.

* * *

 _Lips hovering over lips in the dark. It is late, and Lithuania would have stopped working hours ago, had he not forgotten the time. And if Russia hadn't interrupted him with his lips and his hands, he is quite sure he would still be. But work is forgotten too, Russia sitting on Ltihuania's lap to kiss him better, and the lights have gone out and they don't care. Snogging in the dark like teenagers, and they have hundreds of years behind them._

 _They move to the sofa, Lithuania taking the lead, and if this is not happiness, he does not know what is._

* * *

"Russia. Russia, please, let go." Lithuania's voice softens to a whisper. "Don't make me do this please."

Russia looks up, frowns and just pull Lithuania closer to him. One of his hand surrounds Lithuania's arm while the other one reste on his lap, slowly stroking the fabric of his suit.

"I can't." Russia whines. "You'll leave if I let go. I don't want to be alone again." He closes his eyes and bits his lip. It's only the two of them in this room, and it's been long, too long since the last time.

Lithuania feels his heart clench and it begins to hurt, all those feelings he's been trying to lock away. They have been throught a lot, the two of them. The scars on Lithuania's back can prove it, along the many lovemarks that have since long faded. Why it is that only the suffering made its way on his body when love just didn't succeed as lasting as long ?

"It's been over for years Russia. I know it's hard, but you can't live in the past. Move on, please."

The words don't sound right, he knows it as he pronounces them. But he can't do anything else. He doesn't even know why Russia still bother to think about what they shared.

(As if he can say he doesn't think about it anymore. As if he doesn't remember how Russia's body felt against his own at night, when he is alone and cold in his lonely house.)

"It's never been over for me."

Liar. Liar. Russia is a liar, and he is a hypocrit.

* * *

 _"Let me go !"_

 _Lithuania struggles to free himself from Russia's grip until he hears a shattering of glass. The china teapot now lies on the ground in pieces, and there is blood on Russia's hand. Lithuania steps back, heart beating fast, eyes wide open. He wants to run away from the office, escape the house and never come back._

 _Russia is frowning at his hand in confusion, and lets the blood drip on the floor. He looks at Lithuania, his face breaking into a sad, twisted smile; and he looks so close to tears Lithuania feels the urge to comfort him. But he doesn't. He stays where he is, quivering and hating himself for it, and he just wishes for Russia to go and let him alone._

 _Then he hears a quick sound, like a sob, that lasts no more than a second. Russia is already wiping the tears away, blood all over his face because he used his wounded hand to do it._

 _It's more than Lithuania can take. Before he knows it he is at Russia's feet, kneeling to better observe his hand. He takes his handkerchief from his pocket and applies it on Russia's hand. He wipes some blood away, and sighs in relief. The cuts are not too deep, it will heal quickly. He feels a hand ruffling through his hair, and he stiffens. He swallows and gets up, glaring angrily at Russia. He may be weak, but he won't let himself be treated as a dog. He is pretty sure Russia can see his gesture has angered him, but he doesn't seem to care. He just smiles and hugs Lithuania tightly._

 _"You will never leave me, right ?"_

 _He exits the room as he says those words, a wicked glitter in his eyes. Lithuania lets himself fall to the floor, holding back his tears. He knows the end is near, he knows his people will soon reach their long awaited freedom. Russia should know it too. He shouldn't delude himself into thinking that Lithuania will never leave his side. Because everything is a matter a weeks now, maybe even days. Lithuania will soon be a free country._

 _And his broken heart lies in between the pieces of the shattered teapot. It's over. It's over it's over it's over, Lithuania repeats like a mantra while fighting back the tears._

 _It's never been over for me._

* * *

Russia has no right to look this serious when he says this. Not when Lithuania tries desperately to convince himself it was for the best that he left, that their relationship couldn't have worked over.

"I miss you Litva."

Here it is. That name he hasn't heard in years. The possessiveness it holds make Lithuania sick. Russia has always liked to be in control, and this name has just been another way to keep it. He needs to remember this. (For control, just for control. He musn't remember the way Russia moaned this name in a way that had nothing to do with power or possessiveness, but just love.)

"No you don't." Lithuania whispers. He has to put an end to this. Even if it hurts Russia. Even if it hurts him. "You miss the way you could play with me and the others."

He looks at Russia, right in the eyes, and continues.

"That's why you gave me this office after all, right ? Your favorite toy in your favorite room. Just another way to mess with me. And to think I believed this... To think I believed you."

Russia's face is unreadable. He stares back at Lithuania, his lips twitching imperceptibly.

"They still hurt, all those scars I've got on my back you know ?"

 _Now_ that hurts. Russia loses his composure, and his eyes are quickly filling with tears. "No, Lithuania! Please, you know I never meant—"

"I can forgive, Russia. But you can't ask me to forget."

Lithuania stands up, retrieving his jacket from the coat rack. "Don't leave me ! Please..."

"Thank you for meeting with me today Russia. Goodbye."

Lithuania takes a deep breath and opens the door before he feels a weight on his back. Russia is hugging him from behind, his face pressed into the fabric of his suit. "Please. Don't leave me again." There's despair in his voice. Despair and something Lithuania can't get a hold of.

"I'm sorry Russia. But I never came back."

Lithuania frees himself from Russia's embrace, and he almost believes everything he has just said. (How easier it would be, if he could just _forget_...) He walks into the corridor, and Russia doesn't follow him. It's probably for the best.

"Lithuania !" He turns around without thinking about it, and sees Russia has taken a few steps in the corridor.

They look at each other for a moment. Russia's mouth is slightly open, as if he wanted to say something. _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I hurt you. Even if you can't forgive me, I want you to know that I've always been sincere. I've loved you. I still do._ But he doesn't. There are too many things they've left unsaid to say it aloud now.

So Russia watches Lithuania leave without saying a word, even if it hurts.

* * *

 _The wind is howling outside, and Lithuania shivers just from hearing it. Russia holds him thighter, smiling as he feels his lover relax. They are in Russia's bed, snuggled up under the covers. They don't do it nearly as often as they should, and they cherish those rare moments. Which is maybe why Russia breaks the silence :_

 _"Litva ?"_

 _Lithuania hums softly when he hears the name. He has grown to be quite fond of it. It is one thing more that they share together, only the two of them._

 _"You'll never leave me, right ?"_

 _Lithuania opens his eyes, and searches for Russia's hand, holding it under the covers. He doesn't want to lie. "I... you know it's more complicated than this." He whispers, licking nervously his lips. Russia hugs him thighter._

 _"I know. But promise me."_

 _"Promise what ?"_

 _"That you will never leave. Please."_

 _Lithuania can't promise. It's too dangerous. They both know the choice isn't theirs to make._

 _"I promise."_

 _He shouldn't, but Russia kisses him and he stops thinking. He wants to protect Russia. He shouldn't comfort him in this illusion, but he wants to make him happy, even if it doesn't last long._

 _Why ? Whispers a little voice inside his head. Why are you ready to do everything for him ? Lithuania pretends not to know, but the answer is there, on the tip of his tongue._

 _Because I love you._

 _But he never says it out loud._


End file.
